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A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it\'s good it\'s wonderful, and when it\'s bad it\'s still pretty good.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I don\'t know anything about music. In my line you don\'t have to.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a \'C\', the idea must be feasible.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is \'to be prepared\'.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
I\'m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it\'s fantastic.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
When I die I\'m going to leave my body to science fiction.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
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Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
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We don\'t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he\'d lie just to keep his hand in.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
A good sermon should be like a woman\'s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
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Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don\'t need to be done.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law\'s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Attention to health is life\'s greatest hindrance.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can\'t remember what they are.
Sex is like air. It\'s only a big deal if you can\'t get any.
Once you\'ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
My last cow just died, so I won\'t need your bull anymore.
I don\'t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
The company doesn\'t tell me what to say, and I don\'t tell themwhere to stick it.
You\'ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Anyone who starts a sentence, \'With all due respect ...\' is about to insult you.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven\'t said enough.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, \'Why god? Why me?\' and the thundering voice of God answered, \'There\'s just something about you that pisses me off.\'
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT\'S relativity.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they\'re yours.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
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Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I\'d invented a time
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Anyone who starts a sentence, \'With all due respect ...\' is about to insult you.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Don\'t drive me crazy -- it\'s within walking distance.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Diplomacy is the art of saying \'Nice doggie!\'... \'til you can find a rock.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
I\'ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I\'ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Louis Pasteur\'s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Those are my principles. If you don\'t like them I have others.
If women didn\'t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I don\'t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Hearing nuns\' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is \'to be prepared\'.
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I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Hanlon\'s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Emulate your heros, but don\'t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
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Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, \'cause if they couldn\'t, they\'d have to wake up to the fact that life\'s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can\'t seem to keep up is they\'re a bunch of misfits and losers.
I don\'t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
I don\'t know anything about music. In my line you don\'t have to.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
I have an existential map; it has \'you are here\' written all over it.
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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse\'s family too.
I\'m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
One doesn\'t have a sense of humor. It has you.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he\'ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
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Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that\'s how dogs spend their lives.
If everything seems under control, you\'re just not going fast enough.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn\'t.
Why don\'t you write books people can read?
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don\'t need.
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Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, \'Don\'t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?\' I said \'I didn\'t know there were any witnesses. Now I\'ll have to kill you too\'.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
Men have become the tools of their tools.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
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When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
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We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, \'Why god? Why me?\' and the thundering voice of God answered, \'There\'s just something about you that pisses me off.\'
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Lohr\'s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.
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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don\'t have it.
You got to be careful if you don\'t know where you\'re going, because you might not get there.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
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If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
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Everything that can be invented has been invented.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Barab?si\'s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
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The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I don\'t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn\'t understand me.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Sex is like air. It\'s only a big deal if you can\'t get any.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn\'t cure.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
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The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
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My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Lohr\'s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a \'C\', the idea must be feasible.
War doesn\'t make boys men, it makes men dead.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Attention to health is life\'s greatest hindrance.
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It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It\'s the transition that\'s troublesome.
Louis Pasteur\'s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it\'s good it\'s wonderful, and when it\'s bad it\'s still pretty good.
Love is the answer - but while you\'re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I\'m not mad.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I\'m going to miss mine by just a few days.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
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Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
We don\'t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
I\'d stop eating chocolate, but I\'m no quitter.
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Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there\'s no law against whacking them around a bit.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man\'s nose begins.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can\'t it get us out?
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A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Sterling\'s Corollary to Clarke\'s Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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